I woke up this morning feeling slightly rubbish because, as usual, I had woken up just about in time for my lecture. Over the past few weeks, I have tried in vain to get up early so I can get things done before my day actually starts (as in, uni, leaving the house etc.). Achievement is one of those things that I use to try and define my life, but I'm learning (I'm slow, I know!) that that's not possible. Things happen so much more differently than we expect, and that includes how we perform in our lives, whether that be academically or trying to achieve things for our own personal maturity. So, I've failed, and seem to continue to fail in everything I do - at least according to my own standard of things. It's not made me happy or content, and there was even a time where I felt complete despair because of it. Coming up to the end of uni with a black hole for a future ahead of me feels like a burden I can carry no longer - I've lost my motivation and passion for this degree, and the realisation that I'm a sinner and will always be a sinner as long as I live, isn't helping!
So, I woke up this morning, grumpy, stiff muscles, not happy. But as I left the house - yes, I was late and I still hadn't printed out my lecture! - I realised that I had a choice. I could sink into those worries and problems and get dragged down by the way I feel physically. Or, I can choose to skim over them and open up for God's light to shine through me. There was a time when my aim was to impress people, because I was scared of being alone and of the way people might treat me. Now, my aim is to become beautiful and radiant in God's love so that His light might shine through me to those who need it. How selfish I am, in this 'civilised' modernised, fast culture!
A few moments ago there was a letter through our letter box, which just said; 'thank you for being awesome' on it! It's just made my day! Praise the Lord for the people around us and the freedom to shine His light!!!