This life is weird. Sometimes it's like being on a merry-go-round - or, like the Seekers (or was it The new Seekers?) sang that 'all my life's a circle'. It feels like I've been here before. And in some ways, that's good, because I can ponder on my past experiences, think about what I did wrong and how I could react better. It's like getting another chance to concentrate on what's important, to not get side-tracked. And that reminds me of a conversation I had with my housemate the other day. She believes that God has a plan for each of us as individuals. But because we have free-will, which is the whole joy and heart-ache of love, we can choose to stray away from God and His wonderful path He's prepared for us. Even if that's because we're silly and don't understand things, instead falling for our sinful, physical nature, rather than looking to our spiritual guide and thinking about the consequences of our actions. But, she added, we always have the opportunity to come back to God, ask for His forgiveness and continue on His path in His light, with His blessing to lead us through the dark.
And that's what it kind of feels like now. I feel like I've been here before, exactly where I am, but it's a different me, a more mature me, a me that understands a bit more the depth of the love of God which lead Him to give His only Son so our souls would not be lost. And it's that which makes the sun shine in my heart, even if there are grey, dreary clouds outside. Even if I'm panicking because I'm behind on Uni work, or because I can't pay my bills, or because I'm worried about the future, scared of having to fight the fights I've already fought. I know there will be no escaping situations that I thought I had lived through and therefore do not need to go through again. Afterall, it's a circle; a merry-go-round that never ends! But, it doesn't have to be a sickening experience. Expect the turn and you may just feel merry!
God bless xx

I woke up this morning feeling slightly rubbish because, as usual, I had woken up just about in time for my lecture. Over the past few weeks, I have tried in vain to get up early so I can get things done before my day actually starts (as in, uni, leaving the house etc.). Achievement is one of those things that I use to try and define my life, but I'm learning (I'm slow, I know!) that that's not possible. Things happen so much more differently than we expect, and that includes how we perform in our lives, whether that be academically or trying to achieve things for our own personal maturity. So, I've failed, and seem to continue to fail in everything I do - at least according to my own standard of things. It's not made me happy or content, and there was even a time where I felt complete despair because of it. Coming up to the end of uni with a black hole for a future ahead of me feels like a burden I can carry no longer - I've lost my motivation and passion for this degree, and the realisation that I'm a sinner and will always be a sinner as long as I live, isn't helping!
So, I woke up this morning, grumpy, stiff muscles, not happy. But as I left the house - yes, I was late and I still hadn't printed out my lecture! - I realised that I had a choice. I could sink into those worries and problems and get dragged down by the way I feel physically. Or, I can choose to skim over them and open up for God's light to shine through me. There was a time when my aim was to impress people, because I was scared of being alone and of the way people might treat me. Now, my aim is to become beautiful and radiant in God's love so that His light might shine through me to those who need it. How selfish I am, in this 'civilised' modernised, fast culture!
A few moments ago there was a letter through our letter box, which just said; 'thank you for being awesome' on it! It's just made my day! Praise the Lord for the people around us and the freedom to shine His light!!!

This past week has been the most horrible week in my life. I have never felt such a coldness grip my heart, making me feel so worthless and sinfull. I have longed to feel that tired relief of losing the cause of my grief. It's been a slow climb, but I stand here now and feel at peace, I even feel joy for knowing that I may have made mistakes, but that I have done my best to put things right. Knowing that I am not perfect, that I can never fully restore things is OK, because I know that God can. I can see His work right now - not just in the peace I feel, but in the way my walk with Him, though stony and tiresome, is going upwards and towards a wonderful destination. I feel stronger and more confidant for who I am in Christ because of the things I have felt and seen. I have learnt that I cannot please everyone, and I have learnt that that should not be my aim anyway in life. I've fallen face down on the cold stone of reality, but I can look up towards the sun again, know where I stand, and take my place in this world as a servant of God. Even though I know that I will one day return to this dreary place, I will not let go of Jesus. I WILL be restored with the joy of His salvation!!! (Psalm 51.12)