"For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." Romans 10.10.
One of the hardest things in my life has been surrendering to God and becoming a Christian. I think that sentence sums the difficulty up nicely - the fact that we, as human beings, need to surrender in the first place shows our rebellious nature. I always thought it burdensome to follow God, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. But I think we have a very wrong understanding of God. That reminds me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago with the University chaplain. I claimed that we can never understand God fully, indeed, we even misunderstand Him because of our distorted, sinful perception of life. But the chaplain's reply was that, yes, initially we may misunderstand who God is, but through reading the Bible, we will gain a better and more complete understanding as we progress in faith.

As I have come to know different people, as I learn more about the wonderful world we live in, I am beginning to understand that my perception of God has influenced my faith so much. It wasn't so much the fact that I misunderstood Him, it was more the fact that He is too great to fit within my capability of comprehension. Even though I have made this realisation, I don't think I will ever be free from this mentality of trying to box God in, because as a human, I always want to explain things and have a particular image of who or what someone or something is made of. Perhaps that is why conflict arises so often in this world; because people behave differently to our expectations.

I am always amazed by the amount of paradoxes God uses within Christianity, or better said, within His great plan to save the world. Women, though belittled throughout history, have played a crucial part in both Jesus' birth and Jesus' resurrection. God overcame sin by becoming sin, because His love was so great He could not overlook the fact that He could not look at us for our sins.
It's this kind of understanding that led me to understand that I need to surrender. The need to surrender does not mean that there is a will to surrender. But the will to want to surrender must surely be enough!? For God, in His infinite wisdom and power can work wonders in a willing heart. And in my attempts to understand and surrender, I have been led to a spiritual place of joy that in turn has left me with a growing love for this Creator, who spent an amazing amount of effort and detail on everything He made, from the stars in the universe which hides mysteries that are yet to unfold, to the tiniest of atoms that form the secret baby inside her mother's womb.
And though nothing makes much more sense than it used to, I feel like this Creator has drawn my eyes to Him, to see the things that point towards Him and say, 'this is who He is!', and my faith, though still small, is suddenly real, because it can be no other way!

The difference between faith and belief is that of trust: to believe something merely means to accept the truth of something, but to have faith means to believe something so strongly that it results in complete trust or confidence in someone or something. True belief must then surely result in faith, a proclamation of that belief? For our faith is dead without deeds (James 2.26).
Now my surrendering is characterised by a willing, grateful heart, as I understand more of what God has done for me and who He is. Perhaps it isn't a matter of misunderstanding God, but misunderstanding faith. Faith maybe isn't meant to be felt in the heart. Logic isn't an emotion, but it can in itself provoke emotions. So then, faith maybe isn't a feeling, but rather the result of accepting something which cannot be anything else - the ultimate truth. Equally, love for God isn't necessarily a feeling either:
"In fact, this is love for God: to keep His commands. And His commands are NOT burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God."1 John 5.3-5.

With Easter coming up, my church is filled with an anticipation in preparation for the most awesome reason of life; the resurrection of Jesus! It's like a strange tingle in the air that won't disappear, no matter what. Many of the members in the congegration are physically unwell, but that won't stop us from praising and rejoicing in the Lord!
One passage keeps playing on my mind lately; Phillipians 2.12 - 18: "Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life - in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labour for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
I'm reading a book by Matt Redman and Louie Giglio called 'Indescribable' and it's all about the stars and the universe. Reading it makes me feel so tiny, so insignificant, but it also makes me realise how great God is. Surely, if my God is so great that He created all of the universe, then He must also have that power to change my tiny tiny tiny life?


I'm beginning to learn how to be that shining star, just like the stars that shine in pulsating praise to the One who created them for just that purpose, so I want to be a living sacrifice to the One who brought me into existence. I'm realising how much my words, my thoughts, my unspoken attitudes, can affect others. Each one of us was created to be a shining star, to let God's light shine through us and into the darkness.
I sit here writing this, and cannot cease from being amazed at the depth, a depth I cannot even begin to comprehend, of the love that caused our Creator to take the effort to create a universe so vast and beautiful as the one we live in, and yet He still had the time to turn around and save us from ourselves!
How could our hearts not sing with joy at that?!

I haven't slept very much - somehow I woke up at 4.30 and couldn't get back to sleep even though it took me ages to fall asleep in the first place! But I'm quite glad, though I know this is going to be a long day and I'll be shattered by the afternoon! I'm glad because I decided to get up, seeing as I wasn't falling asleep so I went downstairs and saw my washing in the washing machine, so thought it would be a good idea to hang them out already and put another load in. Who knows what the weather will be like today - hopefullt summery breezy like the last few days! And as I was hanging my washing out, I could just feel the peace around me, like a magic tingling in the air that is only alive in the morning. It reminded me of the time when I was on a class trip on a boat in Holland, and every morning I would get up before sunrise and go for a walk. By that time, the world was already awake with purity and peace, and the joy of the birds that we humans rarely get to see. What an awesome God to have created all things, hidden and revealed. Not for our pleasure, but for His glory. And we may as well enjoy it while we can!

"The whole earth is filled with awe at Your wonders; where morning dawns, where evening fades, You call forth songs of joy." Psalm 65.8